Learn.... smile ......just say you are hurt or risk becoming angry!

Sometimes we allow ourself to get angry; I have learnt that anger is just a cowardly extension of my inner sadness. For me, it was a lot easier to be angry at someone than it was to just tell them i am hurt.

For the past weeks a wave of sadness overtook my being as the choices of my life overshadowed my mind; I had to reach back in time and see how misguided and immature my entire thought process was to the point where it seem so childish and inconsistent. As a boy I often wondered about having my own mum close by so close that I could easily reach out for her hand when I hurt my knees. I always fell down because I always ran away from things; bitting words that described my leaness (thinness), harsh words that rediculed my interllect... allowing for years of lowering my personal worth and sense of self in the eyes of others.

I struggled to retain composure in those attacks to my personhood and remembered clearly how I suppressed anger to the point that it made me appear unbelievable.....I observe, however, the intense sadness that causes me to withdraw my smiles ever so often. That sadness, my coping skill, has grown with me; it has hidden itself deep within, nesting in oblivion, and ever wanting to escape years on!

I see that these days I am once again overwhelm with the same feelings of sadness...I think of my children and the amount of time and fun they are missing out with me and I with them in the same way I missed out with my own mum. I experience the sadness of knowing how much each of us wanted to be there and to enjoy the finer things of relating, exchanging, and just being present...but only left with a burning unfulfilled desire.

I live each day in the dread of knowing that my children are out there in the world without my presence...what is happening to them this moment knowing what has happened to countless little boys and girls the past weeks...just fills me with further anguish! And so I feel hurt to know that i contributed to my own feeling of anguish....leading to being sad of the choices I've made and becoming angry for feeling lifeless, helpless...unable to change the past or reshape it in any form or style. My own self inflicted agony therefore precipitates my anger!

Consequently this experience has caused me to relive my own painfull past not as a "wanting his mum boy" but now as a "want to be a dad man"....its parallel draws nought but sadness in an excrutiatingly hurt-filled manner! It is in this vein of deep hurt that my sadness wells within, germinates, and sprouts itself into this ugly unfortunate unwanted anger. Yes it makes me become one who succumbs to a "cowardly extension of my inner sadness!"

Yes I have many times an oft....become angry!

BUT, I have learnt to look closely at my inner sadness to help me understand my own hurts that leads to my anger.

I have learnt to recognize my sadness whenever I feel hurt....and to take strides to reveal it to someone, confess the hurt, expose the sadness ....AND

Almost instantly I could feel my anger dissipate... replaced by calmness, serenity, tranquility, and even joy!

Interestingly the deep hardened sadness disappears to....and I no longer feel the anger again as soon as I confessed that really I was HURT!

I must say that what I see helps me tremendously to remain calm, to strive towards peace, and to be always ready to reveal, confess, and say openingly THAT I AM HURT by those things that cause me to be sad and hence angry.

I pray that you to will learn from me!

LEARN....SMILE!