Driving around the countryside has become a burden; no sounds of a busy grandmother, no fish brooth awaiting the warm Thurs noon, no ripen Julie Mango, no last Grafted Guava to steal.....TV is off...all but the familiar green remain....so I find it hard to go.
The familiar mishap on the otherside still occcurs; of late I find my innocence purged, more so attacked.....I appreciate the smooth ride on the newly surfaced west coast road...smooth the whole nine yards are eons away. I dread the delibitating mountain drive....its eventual pasage through places I once held dear....now seem like natures' dictates that I must experience particular encounters, perhaps witness things that I would not invite voluntarily...but which unfortunately do happens...even when I fully restrict my movement.
And so am judged. Looked on as one who fools myself; who does not accept that all is not OK. So I laugh, then I ponder, then I write.
Am I a part of a person's own discovery of themselves...yet frightened at a realization but easy to dismiss because I'm alive. Am I dictating by decree; by presence, by position, by status, by opportunity.....I see unanswerrable questions whorl themselves as a twister...an OKie tornado spinning into an unsuspecting neighborhood....passion turn to fear....And I wonder why!
There are moments when our self perpetuated twisters encircles within our beings and the easiest means of coping is to look outward, to run, to avoid perhaps to drown it out with modern sounds....sounds that not only engage the ear...but more so the bocal cavity, even our lower extremes, sacred protected spared! We see it out there so we attack our very inner movements......some say we lie to our own selfs....we pretend we do not see....
Again and again...it is another outward view, void of inner works, excuses on excuses of what is happening but short on the ability or courage to just end the noise and be what is required....OURSELF and say with proud yet calm honesty...You cannot supply my needs....you do not really know what I want nor trully need....you are not capable at this point in my life neither do I really want you to even if you are capable.
Expectations and having them are human; but we can become calous and unrealistic if we demand or comand our expectations. Am proud to be human thus having expectations is a sure sign of my humanity; but to think that I should not have and should not learn to live with them fullfilled and/or unrealized is certainly unwise....You live by your expectations you adjust those that are unrealistic and let go of some to be replaced by new....our lives are viewed as being different when we have the courage to fine tune our expectations....our hopes our dreams...otherwise we die!
Blunt honesty....a Bird in flight...airborne but alive! Our lives are called to be.....not do....to become....not get done. Like birds we should not be afraid to fly far beneath our wing's span.....to venture as we accustom but be willing to accept that the only TRUTH that really matters is that are we willing to let go of those prison camp doors so that our flight wil be unhindered, unfettered, unshafted....so often we misjudge our prison gates, we assume, we fume, we run!
Perhaps not, I guess that's why the easiest way out for most of us....is just find someone to blame for it all and the empty comfort it presents can be, for a moment, joyous and passionate...well until we face ourselves again upon arrival of point nowhere!
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